I received Christ in my Heart at the age of eighteen. I did everything in Church that I thought I was supposed to do, but in all honesty I allowed myself to stray away, off and on from God for many years. I struggled with such deep shame, regret, and remorse that I felt unworthy of God’s love, and didn’t think it would be possible, to have a relationship with him again. I want to share My Testimony, so that it can maybe help someone else, to not make the same mistakes, that I have made.
I got married at almost Nineteen, not long after this, is when my Life went on a downward spiral. I met my first husband in Church. At the time, I thought he was a Godly man, whom the Lord chosen, to be my life partner. About eight months after we were dating, he asked me to marry him, and of course I said Yes. My mother came to me afterwards and warned me, the Lord had shown her the hardship I would face if I did so. Needless to Say, I didn’t listen. As loving as my Mother was, she told me if I went thru with it, she couldn’t be there and partake in any part of my Life. At my wedding my Immediate family didn’t come, and I was so heartbroken and confused, which led to many years of not having a relationship with them.
My marriage started off well, but it didn’t take long for everything to change. I was pregnant with our first child, the first time he got physical with me. To say I was floored is putting it mildly. The man whom I thought was a Godly man, was far from what I thought he was. I suffered almost fifteen years of Physical, Emotional, and Verbal Abuse and more that I simply can’t voice. I was so angry with God, for allowing my life to end up this way. I blamed him for anything and everything wrong, that took place in my life.
At my lowest point, when the pain got to much for me to bear, I thought I would be better off dead, than to keep living in fear and isolation. I attempted suicide by taking many pills. At the time, I wasn’t concerned about my consequences, or my children and family I would be leaving behind. I just wanted the pain and suffering to go away. I was kept under such control, and anytime I mentioned wanting to see my family, it ended up a big fight and accusations, so I got to where I quit trying. I honestly thought, at the time, this was how marriage was supposed to be. I finally got the courage to leave the situation I was in.
I started working at Commscope and I met Mike Cleary a few years later. He was the Sweetest man I’ve ever known. We started dating and he showed me how a real relationship is supposed to be like. We ended up getting married in 2003 and I was so happy, but at the same time, I still had such an emptiness in my Heart. I knew what I was longing for, and what was missing, so I started suggesting for us to find a church, and visited some in our area, but didn’t find one we both liked. I suppose we just used that as a crutch and excuse not to go.
My daughter Becky had our first Grandchild, Tyler, and we were so thrilled to become Grandparents. We had already went to Ky to visit him twice, and went for another visit, when he was 4 1/2 months old. I was having such a burden in my heart leaving him, and I couldn’t understand why. I can remember crying as we were leaving, and not wanting to hand him back over to my daughter. She said to me, my goodness Mom it’s not like you’re never gonna see him again. Little did she know at the time, it was my last time seeing him. Four days after we returned home, I got a call that he passed away of SIDS. I was so devastated. To say I was angry at God is putting it mildly. I said I want NOTHING to do with you. I’m very ashamed to admit that now.
After a while, Mike and I tried once again, to visit some Churches in our area. Mike wasn’t a Christian at the time, and he was raised Catholic, and our upbringings couldn’t have been more different. I was driving one day and was led to Harvest Bible Chapel and we attended a service, it was an experience unlike no other. After a couple of months attending, Mike was Saved but I was still struggling. I felt so ashamed of my mistakes I wouldn’t let them go. I had so much regret and blamed myself for the situations I allowed to take place in my life. I took an oath before God in my first marriage and I didn’t believe in divorce, so when I broke his most sacred vow, I thought there was no way for me to have a relationship with God again. So I still ran from God, but he kept pursuing me. I got to a point when I said, I can’t live apart from God anymore, so I rededicated my life to him.
2 Corinthians Chapter 5: 17 says, Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come, the old is gone and the new is here. 5:19 says, God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sin against them. 5:21 says, God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. God has shown me that I must let go of my past failures completely and Forgive all that happened, or I wont be living a Christian example and that would be dishonoring him. I can’t thank God enough for NOT giving up on me. To know he Loves a Sinner like me, flaws and all, means everything to me.
Your Sister in Christ
My Church did a video Testimony on my Husband Mike and I. You can watch the video below.