I hide behind the mask of “I’m Ok,” every time someone asks me, “How are you feeling?” I know I’m supposed to be choosing to trust God. In my mind, it’s a game tug of war…Doubt vs Faith!
It’s just an easier response.
And without faith, it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. Hebrews 11:6
But have you ever found yourself, lacking the faith, to trust God, like me, at times?
I mean, I am a Christian. A follower of Christ.
I’m not supposed to play the tug of war dance doubt vs faith and allow insecurities to plague my mind, like a battlefield.
I have God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit on my side.
All God expects is for me to take the burdens I carry and place them in his loving and much more capable hands than mine.
Leave the issues there and STOP trying to pick them back up!
What is wrong with me!!
You know what comes next right?
The complete devastating shame you feel, deep within your soul, for letting those, seeds of doubt, to slip in to start with.
God forgive me, and I am so Sorry, that I doubted your goodness, your will for me, and the walk, you have chosen for me to take.
The complete Truth of the matter is, I felt like Doubting Thomas!
Jesus called Thomas out on it, and the Holy Spirit has done the same to me.
I posted a Meme about Faith and trusting God, on my Personal Facebook Timeline, and my Blog Page.
When I did, I felt the conviction, of the Holy Spirit so strong!
It’s as if he was telling me, “Why did you do that when YOU yourself do NOT believe?”
I was to the point of tears Y’all
Here I am, have a Blog, about Encouraging others to walk in faith, when I didn’t do, what I’m proclaiming others should do.
Talking about feeling like I’m letting everyone down.
Most importantly I let down the one, that means more to me than anyone or anything.
That is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
I hate myself for it
I feel like Satan is just sitting over in his little hot corner, throwing daggers at me, and laughing the whole time he’s doing so.
Regardless of my circumstances, I never for one minute, doubt God’s love for me.
I know there is nothing, that will EVER separate me from his love.
I mean he loved me, before I was even a twinkle, in my Mama and Daddy’s eye.
Then he loved me enough, to send his only beloved son, to take the penalty of his wrath, for MY sins, so I can be pardoned.
I don’t deserve God’s grace
My problem was doubting God, that he would sustain me, throughout this long season of health struggles.
You see, I thought I had put my faith, and trust in God, where my health is concerned, but after yet another devastating test result, I proved to myself, that I clearly didn’t do so.
If I had, I wouldn’t have had all the doubt, that things won’t ever get better, for me physically.
I wouldn’t have felt the big black cloud, that was hanging over my head, ready to just drench me.
If I had the Faith, I’m supposed to have, I would’ve had trusted that God was enough.
I would’ve known, without a doubt, that regardless of how it may look on the outside, or how I feel physically inside, God will take care of me.
I WILL feel better.
But I let myself, forget all I knew to be true.
I feel like I’ve been in this season FOREVER
It started back in 2008 and has been one health issue after another, with no ending in sight.
I see a specialist for a bit, and then they tell me, I’m sorry, I have done all I know to do.
I then get passed on to the next one, that they choose to refer me too
I get told what a complicated complex case I am, then the same cycle repeats itself.
It’s extremely exhausting, and it takes its toll on you, after a while.
It has been NINE years.
The past two years being the worst
I don’t know how you would perceive time, but to me, it has seemed Forever.
I don’t talk about the side effects much, because I don’t want anyone thinking, I’m looking for sympathy.
If you know anything about me, that is NOT who I am.
I will tell you this much, to give a couple of examples, of what I deal with
When it gets to the point you don’t enjoy driving, simply because of the movement from the road, trees, clouds, vehicles, blinking lights etc..makes you light-headed and nauseous.
Can you say, hey Houston We Have A Problem!
Also, try walking when your balance is so uncoordinated, you feel like a drunk person at times.
I do not drink, so we will leave it at that.
Everyone enjoys roller coasters and spinning rides at theme parks, right?
My husband and I were adrenaline junkies before all this started, now I keep us from doing many things.
Think about all the places that have light shows, motion movement, and fog in them.
I can no longer do them.
We took my Grandson to see Christmas lights this past year
My husband said, Hunny I don’t think you’re gonna be able to do this.
I was like, it will be fine.
Guess what, it wasn’t fine.
It’s bad when your Grandson says “Mamaw you better close your eyes, were coming up on another wall of terror.”
He will pick at me, and start spinning in circles, cause he thinks it’s funny and laughs.
He’s a seven-year-old child, of course, he doesn’t “get it.”
Now maybe you can understand ME a little better, on what I must deal with.
Also, June 1st is the date that we lost our first grandchild to SIDS
I was already in a somewhat sad reflecting state.
Then I got the news of several Meniere’s tests.
It showed I wasn’t cleared, for the procedure they were suggesting me to do.
All I was longing for, is answers and a solution!
A treatment that would FINALLY stop, the never-ending, revolving door of Specialists.
I had the hope that relief was coming.
I know I shouldn’t have been so devastated.
I should have accepted it, and laid it in God’s hands…I didn’t
I also found out, on the same day, that I have astigmatism and cataract on my eye.
Insurance didn’t pay much, and we are left with an almost 700.00 bill.
It seems every time I turn around, it’s Bam, a wall goes up
I see no light at the end of the tunnel.
I simply just broke Y’all!
It was short-lived, I am back on track, but I shouldn’t have let it happen.
I thought I was a stronger Christian than that.
I am also Sorry if I have let any of you down.
I am swallowing, a big ole piece of humble pie, admitting my faults, and being honest.
That is what my Blog is about. Growing in Christ, myself included
Let me tell you, Satan loves and knows, EXACTLY when to pounce!
It seems he strikes, right when you are at your lowest of lows, and most vulnerable.
He will come at you, like a preying, slithering, snake in the grass, ready to attack your mind.
He knows your weak spots, and he uses it to his fullest advantage.
My mistake…I gave Satan the perfect opening.
Not on purpose mind you, but it happened just the same
I didn’t turn to the one, I know is there for me, in any and all circumstances, good or bad.
Let’s face it, in our humanness, we don’t like to wait for anything.
But our waiting, in these seasons, is about getting closer to God, than the actual problem, or issue itself.
Instead of getting distracted, by what I’m wanting, a medical treatment, I should have been focusing on my Sanctification, and becoming more like Jesus, the Person of my faith.
But in a weak moment, I lacked the faith I needed, to trust God’s will, and plan for me.
Let’s be real
I know surely I’m not the only one, who has doubts about trusting God’s will, from time to time am I?
It’s no problem, having Faith in the beginning, and towards the end, the real challenge comes, keeping your Faith, in the middle.
I mean, we are given trials and tribulations, to shape and mold us, to become more like Christ.
God never once Promises us it would be easy!
He just promised, to be with us, through it all.
So when not if.
We find our self, in a situation, where we are doubting and trusting God, we MUST do these things, to drag us out of that dark place.
Trust me, I’m reminding and preaching to ME too.
Fight the spiritual battle with Prayer and God’s word
Your Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
Any help or answer we are seeking CAN be found in God’s word.
We just have to keep looking for it.
Fight through it with Praise
You are my strength; I wait for you to rescue me, for you, O God, are my fortress.
Even if you don’t feel like Praising the Lord, do it anyway.
God is ALWAYS worthy of our Praise.
And you will find, that it loosens the chains, that have us bound.
The best part is, it will make Satan mad, knowing he isn’t stealing our Joy.
It’s a win-win!
Find ways to Love on others
Whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.
If you are helping others, the troubles you are facing, seem to be minimized, when you’re focused on someone else.
Plus, we must keep in mind, there is ALWAYS someone out there, who are having it much worse.
In Closing on Doubt vs Faith: Choosing to Trust God
We must keep in mind that we are here to make an eternal impact, not necessarily human comfort
PS. I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions with this. You will understand what I mean when if read Even If: Trusting God In Difficult Times