Shattered: Heartbreaking Time I Was Mad at God

Have you ever been mad at God?

Have you ever found yourself asking these questions:  Why God? Why did YOU allow this to happen to us? What did we do that was so bad to deserve this? It’s so not fair! Have you ever felt mad at God?

The answer is I am certain we all have, at one point or another in our lifetime, if we are honest.

I’m going to share with you a time when my world completely shattered, and when I was mad at God.

It’s a time in my life that I rebelled against God, so out of control, and with nothing but anger and bitterness.

Here is my story and his name is Tyler.

See this beautiful boy?

You can’t help but fall in love with his smile right?

His name is Tyler and he is our first grandchild.

As you can see he’s laughing, happy, and healthy. He is 4 1/2 months old in this photo.

I will never forget it because it’s one of my favorite memories.

I was leaning over him and was jostling the bed a little, and he thought that was the funniest thing EVER.

Can’t you tell by his wide-open grin?

I live in North Carolina, and my family lives in Kentucky.

It’s about a five-hour drive, so it’s not so bad.

We went to visit our first little bundle of Joy, a third time, and I can’t put into words, how this trip was different from the other two.

Looking back on it now, I believe God was showing me love and mercy even then and was preparing me for what was to come.

As my husband and I, were fixing to leave to head back home to NC, I picked Tyler up out of his stroller, in the photo you see on the right.

Y’all, I had the most sorrowful emotion blast me.

I can’t explain it any better than that.

I was hugging Tyler so hard, and peppering him with kisses, even as the tears ran down my cheeks.

My behavior caused all of my family to start crying also, but I couldn’t help it.

I simply couldn’t stop

Finally, my daughter says to me, “My goodness Mom, what is wrong with you?”

It’s not like you’re never going to see him again.

I didn’t want to let him go, but I did so, rather reluctantly.

We hugged my daughter and her husband goodbye and walked away.

As we were leaving, I told my husband, something is really WRONG!

I want to leave this next part out of my story, but when you get that nudge from the Holy Spirit, you’d best heed to the warning.

I wasn’t living for God at this point in my life.

I had turned my back on him long before this incident.

I let too many situations and circumstances get in the way.

Ashamed as I am to admit that.

Yet I believe with all I am, that God was warning me.

At the time I didn’t “get it”. I was too mad at God at the time to connect with Him about this.

Our drive back to North Carolina was a somber one.

We didn’t talk much cause we were struck with a feeling we didn’t understand.

As your reading this, I’m certain you know what I am about to tell you, beforehand.

You see, when my daughter told me, “it’s not like you’re not going to see him again”.

I didn’t.

That was the last time.

It was four days later, we got the call, that my Grandson Tyler passed away from SIDS.

Y’all, I was so mad at God for taking him from us!

I put all blame on him! I told him I don’t want anything to do with you EVER AGAIN!

[socialpug_tweet tweet=”I thought how can a loving God give us something so precious, just to snatch him away from us so quickly?” display_tweet=”I thought how can a loving God give us something so precious, just to snatch him away from us so quickly?”]

It wasn’t right or fair in my eyes

I even went as far to say, he took him from us as punishment, for me turning my back on him.

Can you believe that?

To this day I am so ashamed of my behavior, not just in this instance but many others.

Do you want to know the truth about being mad at God?

Reality is, life doesn’t always work out the way WE want it to.

God’s ways are not our ways and his ways are better than our ways.

My point in sharing this is. Instead of looking to God as my source of strength to see me through this, I pushed him away even further than I already had.

I didn’t want God’s name brought up around me for the longest time.

Yes, I was that bitter.

Instead of thanking God, for giving me what time with Tyler he did, I was too furious with him, for not giving me more time with him.

I know we aren’t supposed to question God’s judgment, but I can tell you now, that I did that and then some.

Now, I see how wrong I was

I was in so much pain, I took the easier road, or at least what I thought was.

I want you to know, if you find yourself in a similar situation, allow yourself to grieve, but don’t let it make you become bitter the way I did.

Being mad at God is not a good place to be, trust me on that

Turn to your Heavenly Father to see you through it.

You will get past it.

I’m not going to lie and tell you it isn’t going to still hurt, because it will.

However, you can have the assurance knowing that you’ll be reunited again in Heaven if you accept Jesus as Lord and Savior in your life.

The way I acted towards God, I’m surprised he didn’t just say, “You know what Angie, I’m done chasing you!”

I’m so Thankful he didn’t stop chasing ME. He kept pursuing ME

Aren’t you thankful for God’s grace, even though we don’t deserve it?

[socialpug_tweet tweet=”We can rest assured knowing we will NEVER mess up enough that will make God love us less.” display_tweet=”We can rest assured knowing we will NEVER mess up enough that will make God love us less.”]

Being Mad at God, In Closing,

If you are needing help and want to talk to someone who has been through it, Please don’t hesitate to contact me.

I will do everything I can for you.

Most Importantly, God is there for you.

He was there for me too, but I chose to rebuke it.

Don’t make my mistake, that is the point of this blog, as well as wanting to honor my little baby boy.

For now, I know God is taking care of him and has him wrapped in his tender loving and caring arms.

 

In Loving Memory of Tyler Quentin Huddleston