Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6).
Friends, have you ever found yourself, in a situation, that caught you completely off guard? Very recently I found myself in this place. It was a moment, that brought back old fears and insecurities, like a crashing wave, pulling me under. I couldn’t breathe!
If you have read my personal testimony, you are well aware, that I was in an abusive marriage, for almost fifteen years of my life. That experience has left me broken and shattered, to a degree that affects me, to this day, in many ways.
For the most part, I deal with it quite well, or at least I thought I did. That is until I found myself unexpectedly, in a not so good scenario. I quickly found myself, cowering in the corner, trying my best, to keep from trembling, and falling apart. By the way, I Lost!
See Friends, I usually do WHATEVER I HAVE TO, to avoid confrontation, of ANY kind with ANYONE! Period! I hate it, because it brings back, too many unpleasant memories for me.
I pretty much keep to myself, to avoid it altogether. See y’all, I am under the assumption, if I keep other’s at a distance, they will NOT have the ability, to physically harm me again..EVER!!
If I find myself around people, that are showing ANY signs, of becoming angry, aggressive, demanding, or confrontational, trust me, I get away as quickly as possible. It makes me extremely nervous.
I am NOT gonna give specifics, (so PLEASE respect that) by NOT asking for details. I will share, this much with you. I had an encounter recently, with an individual, that reminded me so much, of my ex-husband’s behavior pattern, that I was more than ready to bolt.
I seen the anger, resentment, and raging behavior, almost instantly. The longer I was around this individual, anxiety creeped it’s claw, into my whole being. I had to fight the fear, and get through it. It was NOT easy!! IT WAS HARD!! Memories had me locked in my past.
When I was finally alone, I was NOT in the best frame of mind, and that is an understatement! I’m ashamed to be admitting that, but it’s the truth. I’m a child of God, and I should have been stronger than that. What I should have done, was cry out to God, to take away the anxiety, that had its grip on me.
I should NOT have allowed, the fear in my mind, to replace the faith and assurance, that I have in my heart!! I let God down, by not calling on him, to fill me with his Peace!! I didn’t even think at the time, that God is my strong tower, the one whom I can cling to!! I couldn’t get past, what was in front of me!! I forgot that my strength, is found in God….Not myself!!
I have NOT had, this type of fear and reaction, in quite sometime. Maybe it was due to the fact, I have NOT had to worry, about this type of behavior, since leaving the abusive relationship I was in.
By the time I got alone, I couldn’t shake, what was happening, with me. My whole body was shaking and trembling, and I couldn’t get it to stop. I remember saying over and over again, I thought the individual, was going to hit or harm me.
A friend of mine, was trying their best, to bring me back to reality. To be honest, I do NOT know how long, they had their hands, on my shoulders, while telling me, “Angie, look into my eyes, your safe now.” I WAS A MESS!
Could it have been a panic attack? I don’t know maybe. Possibly an anxiety attack? Again, I’m not sure.
I have the most loving, gentle, kind and compassionate, man in my life now. I do NOT fear him, because he’s NEVER given me a reason, to feel threatened by him, in any way, shape or fashion. I thank God for him! He knew who I needed, in my life, and sent him my way.
What’s so bad is this, many people witnessed my meltdown. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated. Do they think I’m crazy? Do they understand why I reacted, the way I did? Will they think less of me?
Why did I allow this, to affect me, the way it did Friends? I thought I was stronger than that! I love how the Holy Spirit works. Deep down in my heart, I already knew the answer.
- I tried to handle the situation, in my own strength.
- I allowed fear to hold me captive, instead of God’s peace.
- I didn’t call upon, the name of the Lord, who is my Strong tower first. I was frozen.
- I let pride get in the way, of allowing others to help me. I didn’t want to be seen as weak.
- I should have separated myself from it to start with.
If another issue like this arises, I know who I MUST turn to, first and foremost! My Redeemer! My Rock! My Fortress! That is God Almighty, and him alone Friends! I messed up BIG TIME! I need to be honest, with myself and you, and admit that.
I wanted to list some scriptures, to remind myself, where my hope, security, and strength, comes from. I hope it helps you as well.
Scriptures of Truth
- The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)
- Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me? (Psalm 56:3-4)
- Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10).
- For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, Fear not, I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13).
- For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba Father.” (Romans 8:15).
- For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7).
- For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say: “The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13:5-6).
- Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. (John 14:27).
- Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way. The Lord be with you all. (2 Thessalonians 3:16).
- Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55:22).
God is the one whom we can always depend on, who will be there for us, no matter the situation. I would love to tell you, this will be the ONLY time, I let God down, but that is NOT true. Truth is, I let him down, on a daily basis, because I am NOT perfect, and I will make, one mistake after another.
Good news is, I have a savior, Jesus Christ, who took the penalty, that I deserve, so I can be made righteous, before God. THAT IS A PROMISE I CLING TO! He is my Strong Tower and may I seek him….More Than Anything
Your Sister in Christ
Hey Friends. Thank you for taking time out of your day, to spend a few moments in mine. As a follower of Jesus Christ, it’s important to me to share the gospel with you. I write about my ups and downs, my struggles and insecurities, but above all else, I share how God brings me through it all. Let’s continue our walk with Christ together.