The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.(Psalm 34:18-19).
This verse is a wonderful reminder of God’s faithfulness. To know God delivers us from a broken heart, and ANY afflictions is mind-blowing. Do you believe that promise is for you today beloved? I believe it now, but there was a time, when I didn’t feel is existed for me, and that’s Truth.
Friends, it seems that God has placed within my heart, another hard topic for me. The last Blog I did was on Tyler, the first grandchild we had, that we lost to SIDS at 4 1/2 months. That one was extremely difficult for me to write about.
This next topic isn’t gonna be much easier. I believe it’s safe to assume, that God is wanting to bring closure and healing, within my heart and soul. I thought that I had dealt with these issues, and shut the door on them, but God has placed them, on my heart for a reason. God knows us better than we know ourselves doesn’t he?
I want you to understand, there was a time in my life, that I had given up ALL hope. I felt so desolate, empty, completely and utterly alone. These were some of the loneliness and darkest of times, I have ever faced. I felt I had NO ONE, willing to support me and help me. I thought NO ONE cared about me, what I went through, and what happened to me.
I was separated from my family, due to the fact, that I let fear keep me from them. It was easier and caused less trouble, with my ex-husband, because EVERY TIME I’d bring up wanting to go see them, accusations would start flying.
This is what I heard
I was ONLY wanting to see them, to share what he had done. I was ONLY wanting to leave my marriage, and I was gonna get their help to do so. I was even accused of wanting my Stepdad.
I want to tell you, about one time in particular. I was at my lowest of lows, and to be honest, I finally hit rock bottom. Friends, I was so beaten down. This was one of the worst fights, my ex-husband and I EVER had. Let me give you a few examples. I was slapped, kicked, punched, spit on, had food thrown on me, had a bunch of hair yanked off from my head, and I was called every name, you could possibly come up with.
I could list more that took place, but this post isn’t about domestic violence, and to be honest, I don’t like to put down another person, no matter how bad it had been. Simply put, he needed Jesus.
After all that had taken place, on this particular night, I was left feeling empty and broken, and I had NO HOPE for my life, whatsoever. To be blunt…..I DID NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE! If this is what my life was going to be like, I wanted NO part of it anymore. I had put up with so much, and had so much done to me, I couldn’t see anyway out of it. I was at the end of my rope y’all. I HAD ENOUGH! In my mind I thought I was doing the best thing.
The ONLY thing on my mind
I need this pain and suffering to STOP. NOW!!!! I couldn’t take it anymore, and I could see nothing beyond that point. I was thinking even Jesus left me, and even he didn’t want me. I felt unworthy to be loved.
As I sat there in my seat, watching everyone around me, act as though nothing just happened, I SNAPPED! I can remember thinking, everyone will be better off, if I was dead. I’d be better off dead. So I done what I NEVER thought I’d EVER do. I went and got a bottle of pills that was full. I can’t remember if they were muscle relaxers, or high dose pain med’s, that’s not of any importance now. I downed the ENTIRE bottle.
I can remember the feeling completely. I WAS NUMB! I FELT NOTHING! As I felt my heartbeat slowing to nearly nothing, I could barely put one foot in front of the other. I didn’t give a hoot, about dying, and where I would spend eternity.
ALL I wanted to do at that point, was crawl under the bed covers and NOT wake up. Even though I stopped living my life for God, I heard him to speak to me, YOU ARE MINE! “If you go to bed right now, you will NOT wake up!” I was almost to my bedroom door, and I had a chill, that shook me to my core. It’s as if a force of its own, propelled me out my front door. Y’all I got so sick. I think I emptied my stomach for hours, and I’m NOT exaggerating.
Satan knows exactly when to pounce doesn’t he? He knew I was at my lowest point. The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. (John 10:10).
I discovered much later, even though I wasn’t talking to my family at the time, my Sweet Mama said she felt compelled to Pray for me. It was on this specific day, and the specific time. She felt in her spirit, it was a life or death situation. She was ready to drive over and check on me, but decided against it. Instead she Prayed and asked for God’s protection over me. Now if that wasn’t the Holy Spirit working on my behalf, I don’t know what else to call it. It was a divine intervention.
At this time in my life, I had severed, my relationship with God. I had turned by back on God and walked away. I let situations and circumstances drive a wedge between us, that I should’ve NEVER let happen. BUT GOD…..Never once gave up on me, nor did he EVER leave me. God saved ME from MYSELF that night. I know it with ALL MY HEART!
Do you want to hear the hardest, and most saddest part of that whole night. I had two beautiful kids to live for. They needed me to continue being there for them, but I couldn’t see past my own pain. I didn’t care what I was doing, and I most definitely didn’t care, who I was leaving behind. I wanted to die, plain and simple.
You don’t understand how much it hurts, admitting that to you, but it’s me putting my vulnerability out there, for you to see. I only Pray that it may help someone else, who may be going though a similar issue. DON’T DO IT! GET THE HELP YOU NEED! IT’S NOT WORTH IT! I Promise You!!!!
I can NOT stress enough, what an abusive situation, does to you. You start believing ALL the lies. You are made to believe, it’s all your fault. The blame will be put, squarely, on your shoulders. You may hear that you cause them, to be the way they are, and act the way they do. There are so many feelings, that hold you captive.
I have listed a few of them
- Loss of control
- Not feeling safe
- Physical symptoms
If you find that MY STORY is YOUR STORY, Please know you can get past it. There is Hope for you. Don’t allow Satan to convince you to do, what I did. It is by God’s Grace alone, that I am here today. I will keep sharing his Love to others. I will tell people everywhere, that Jesus Christ is THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE. He will be there for you, when know one else is. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! EVER!
No matter how bad things may look on the outside, or how alone you may feel on the inside, God is there for you. He was there for me too, I just couldn’t see it, or else I chose to ignore it. Either way, don’t give up hope. You have hope in a Savior, you can turn to, with ANY issue, and EVERY problem, that may come your way.
Suicide is NOT your way out. We aren’t meant to carry the loads, we try so hard to hang on to. Jesus says for us to lay our burdens at his feet, and let him carry them for us. Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28).
If you or a loved one is struggling with suicidal thoughts and tendencies, please get help. Don’t try to face this on your own. There is hope and healing, and there are many who will journey through this with you. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) at any time day or night 24/7, to talk to someone who understands. Or go online at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org for more information and help.
Your Sister in Christ
Hey Friends. Thank you for taking time out of your day, to spend a few moments in mine. As a follower of Jesus Christ, it’s important to me to share the gospel with you. I write about my ups and downs, my struggles and insecurities, but above all else, I share how God brings me through it all. Let’s continue our walk with Christ together.